welcome everybody today's presentation of pacer 
integrative behavioral health we are continuing   with our series on attachment and mental health 
and today we are going to talk about consistency consistency communicates a lot of things 
to people consistency communicates that you   as a person that the world is trustworthy so 
when we're consistent we are demonstrating to   ourselves to others that there is trustworthiness 
in the world and there's a certain requirement if   you will for having trustworthiness in order 
to feel safe another thing that consistency   communicates is predictability when we are 
consistent in the way we act the way we react   what we do what we expect then that creates a 
environment that is relatively predictable now   it doesn't necessarily mean you like it but 
it means it's predictable so consistency   allows you to use your schema or your memories 
if you will to anticipate what's going to happen   what is consistency in relationships look like 
though when you are consistent it means keeping   promises if you say you're going to do something 
you do something that's good consistency i mean   people who regularly break their promises 
obviously they're consistent in that   too but we want to develop positive consistency 
here so keeping your promises doing what you say   clearly articulating and maintaining structure 
and routine it's really important you know little   children don't understand what's expected and 
if you expect them to read your mind and quote   know how they're supposed to react 
or what they're supposed to do   um they're probably not going to be really 
successful then they're going to get upset   or you're going to get upset and they're going 
to get upset and nobody's going to understand   what's going on so it's really important that 
we clearly articulate you know what do we expect   in the classroom what do we expect at the dinner 
table what do we expect your chores to look like   you know you get the idea here the same thing in 
adult relationships we need to clearly articulate   what we expect in a relationship in order to 
establish consistency what is it that we want   and what do we want this relationship to look 
like now you don't have to get overly consistent   people who are more spontaneous might 
find that too much consistency can get um   oppressive at times but it is important to be able 
to predict and understand a little bit about um what you're what the other person wants and 
expects in a relationship because that that   reduces a lot of stress between the two of 
you if my husband comes home and he's had a   bad day i know how he's going to react 
and after 24 years you know i know you   know kind of what he needs in terms of space 
and responsiveness and all that kind of stuff   but when we first met and we first got together 
i did not know that i had to learn that he had to   clearly articulate and communicate to me what 
it was that he needed me to do to be consistent   authenticity also improves consistency when we are 
living authentically we are and we're not being a   chameleon then people know what to expect um we've 
most of us have had a friend or a family member   who was regularly sort of chameleon-like you 
never knew exactly which version of that person   was going to show up because it depended so much 
on the situation and where you where you were   and who you were with when we live authentically 
instead of trying to change our colors to fit in   with whomever wherever we are living authentically 
helps us be more consistent people know   who we are they know what to expect you know if 
donnelly shows up they know what to expect from   me because i am pretty pretty much an open book 
and i am pretty authentic in my presentation uh   no matter where i go and that really helps in 
relationships because then there's no guessing   about well what does this person really want 
and you know what types of things can we   expect open communication is the other issue 
and i talked a little bit earlier about   trying to make sure that we are not expecting mind 
reading people cannot be consistently there for us   and we don't appear consistent to them if 
we are expecting them to read our mind and   know what we want and when we want it we need to 
openly communicate our thoughts wants and needs   now one of the caveats here before you 
can be consistent with other people   ideally you're consistent with yourself i know 
that's a radical idea here when you make promises   to yourself you say i am going to you know 
stop criticizing myself so much or i am going   to allow myself to go to the spa on the weekend 
or whatever it is you do you keep those promises   you are consistent with yourself you don't deny 
your needs you keep the promises that you make   you identify a structure and routine that 
works for you and you're consistent with   yourself you are consistent in your mindfulness 
you regularly check in with yourself and go hey   what are my thoughts wants and needs at this 
moment imagine that imagine what would happen   if you regularly checked in with yourself like 
that in order to kind of keep a pulse on what   was going on with you so you could respond drum 
roll please consistently to me get your needs met   so once you start recognizing what you need 
and you start being consistent with yourself   a lot of times you'll start expecting others to be 
similarly consistent and it's important to think   about who in your life right now is relatively 
consistent you know we're not always all good at   being consistently consistent i think a lot 
of us could improve in that area but thinking   about the significant others in your life who is 
consistent and it doesn't necessarily have to be   you know intimate others you know best friends 
or um spouses or something like that my old boss   i worked for him for 14 years and he was 
as consistent as the sunrise you know i   could expect when he would come into work 
he would be dressed in a three-piece suit   with matching shoes and his presentation was the 
same whether we were at work or at a conference   or i was doing some sort of community appearance 
with him he was very consistent and authentic   in his presentation and that's one of the things 
that i sort of strived to model in in learning   how to be consistent myself and learning how to be 
more authentic it was something that uh i admired   in him but you know who else in your life is 
consistent is predictable you know that you know the person or the reaction that you're probably 
going to get again it sometimes it's negatively   consistent you know they're going to be critical 
okay you know at least it's consistent so you   know what to expect and you can plan for 
it you can figure out how to mitigate it   i had one person in my life who and it came from 
a place of love but it was just i think the way   she was raised that she always had to have some um 
constructive feedback that usually didn't come out   so constructively every time she came to visit 
and one day my husband kind of pulled me aside   before she came to visit one time and he said you 
know she's going to have something snarky to say   so just let her get it out of here out of her 
system and then it'll all be good and he was right   you know she just that was just one thing she 
had to do i i don't know where why or where it   came from wasn't worth addressing um but it was 
very consistent and it was very predictable so to   respond to that to help keep myself safe to keep 
myself from feeling attacked or hurt when that   happened you know he had a very good suggestion 
just recognizing that it comes from a place of   love and it she's gonna do it but generally once 
she gets it out of her system it's done and then   the pressure's off and you can go along having 
your good time and that was so meaningful to me   to really be able to reframe it that way so 
consistency can also help you figure out how to   mitigate stress with people who are you 
know sometimes challenging to be around   and then it's important to think about how you 
can improve the consistency in your relationships   you know for example for me i am really good 
at keeping promises if i tell somebody i'm   going to do something i do my darndest to do 
it i mean last week for example we had the um   the snow storm and we were snowed in well i told 
you guys i was going to be here at three o'clock   starting last week and since i had didn't have 
internet i couldn't do that but i was in the   chat room and so i was able to interact with 
some of you via chat and for the members i was   able to interact with you uh via snapchat and the 
discord server so although it wasn't the way i   had ideally planned um it was important to me to 
keep that obligation so consistency for me that's   what i'm really pretty good at same thing with 
articulating and maintaining structure and routine   because i'm a j i love my structure but sometimes 
i don't communicate as openly as i probably could   and when we get down to attention we'll talk 
about some of that a little bit later too but   i don't always reach out to people and i'm not 
as consistent at um you know it's not like i   my husband calls his mother every week 
you know kind of like clockwork and   i'm not that consistent with following up with 
my friends and i could i could do better at that   i could do better at consistently touching base 
it's not something that uh really takes that much   time and it goes a long way to you know just kind 
of reaching out and virtually tapping them on the   shoulder and going hey how you doing just letting 
you know i'm still here and i'm thinking about you   how awesome is that for increasing trustworthiness 
predictability and nurturing that relationship   so remember in effective attachments 
we have six characteristics consistency   responsiveness attention validation encouragement 
and support and we're going to talk about each one   of those throughout the week today we talked 
about consistency and i would encourage you   to think about ways well think about why 
consistency could in your relationships could   help reduce stress and improve the communication 
and improve the quality of your relationships   and then start thinking about how you can be more 
consistent with yourself with your own self-care   and how you can be more consistent in 
your relationships with other people   so good afternoon to those 
of you who have logged in in terms of coping with a parent with borderline or 
narcissistic personality disorder um i   do have a video on the um youtube channel 
on surviving the borderline parent and that   is the really long version of the answer that i 
would give and you know one of the main things is   depending on the age of the child making sure 
that the interventions are age appropriate   younger children who are still egocentric are 
going to have a really hard time understanding the the boundaries that are on roller skates so   helping them figure out a way to stay safe helping 
them figure out a way to feel empowered and   protect themselves you know again with the safety 
from the chaos that is existing in their household in terms of uh people with adhd again 
there's a video on the youtube channel on   strategies for dealing with adhd and you know it 
really depends on the symptoms that are presenting   in that particular child and what's causing those 
symptoms uh for some re for some children um their   blood sugar levels you know if they're not get if 
their blood sugar dips during the day it may cause   more acting out behaviors other children that 
doesn't bother them so in terms of addressing any   mental health issue it's really important 
to examine what are the triggers   for the unwanted behavior and what are alternate 
behaviors that are amenable to the child that can   help them you know for example organization 
if disorganization is one of their problems   younger children you're going 
to need to be more directive   older children it's really important to 
empower them to brainstorm ways that they   can be more organized in or and help them 
set small micro goals so they can have those successes in term of for you for y'all who are 
asking all these questions they're great questions   um please remember to you can email me at wellness   underscore one at that's 
wellnessunderscore1   and i will go through these questions and have 
more detailed answers for you on monday's shows but are there other mental health related questions welcome jane i'm glad you 
were here hi morgan kim adele so remember the email is wellness underscore 
one at and i check that i generally   just check it once a week on um either 
saturday or sunday that way i can prepare for   monday's show and for those of you who are   members it's you can join me in my discord chat 
room by downloading discord and clicking on the   link or um if you go into the community section 
on the youtube channel you can click on that and   if you are a member you will be able to access the 
members only messages that have my snapchat handle alrighty everybody have a wonderful day i have 
got a 3 30 meeting so i am going to have to run   but i will see you tomorrow same time same station



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