– Happy New Year, everybody. [APPLAUSE] You're the seri–
and I'm going to say this seri– you're the best
audience we've had all year. [APPLAUSE] Isn't that funny? It's 2019. It's exciting to
start a new year. It's full of possibilities. If you– look to your
right, everybody. Look to your right. Now, look to your left. One of you will be hosting
the Oscars this year. [APPLAUSE] Congratulations. You had a good
holiday, everybody? [CHEERING] Yeah? Oh, good. Good. I tried to focus on
what was important– eating as much as I could
before I had to go on a diet. That's what I did. Every year, everyone's
number one resolution is to lose weight. And there's a new
diet every year. They always seem so promising. Last year, I tried something
called the blood type diet.
Have you heard of
the blood type diet? It's a great diet if you
want to lose weight and also be tired and angry
at the same time. I got an appointment with
a doctor who specializes in the blood type diet. I went to his office. I get undressed down
to my underwear. I get on the table and I
start singing "I Will Survive" as loud as I can. And– I'm sorry. I'm thinking of
my 60th birthday. I'm sorry. That was not at the
doctor's office. But Portha and I– Portia– Portha– I call her Portha.
It's a nickname I have. Portha. Portia and I did the same test
but we had different results. They both came back gay but
other things were different. [LAUGHTER] We had the gay blood. But then the other things– apparently there are 160
different types of blood, and for each type, there are
foods that you cannot eat. And it's very specific. You get a list.
Like, you can have buckwheat
but you can't have couscous. But someone else can have
buckwheat and you can't. It's really, really specific. Like, you can have
limes, but you can't have lemons, which is my list. And which is really
tough, because now when life hands me lemons, I'm fat. For my blood test, it came back
that I can't have caffeine. [GROANING] So, yeah.
So I have to change my blood. [LAUGHTER] The popular diet this
year is the Keto. Do you know about the Keto diet? Oh, everyone knows about it. Everyone's trying it, I guess. It's people who want to diet. And it sounds like it's a DJ In
Las Vegas, so it's also cool. But, basically, when
you're on the Keto diet, you're supposed to get 80%
of your calories from fat. I'm sure you know this because
you knew about the diet. And it works for some
people– not everyone. You shouldn't do it if you
have kidney or liver problems, or if you don't want
to sweat butter. [LAUGHTER] But– instead of a
towel, you just get toast and you just rub it along
and just butter your bread. But if you really
want to lose weight, I know a diet that's
guaranteed to work. All you have to do is
dance like these people in my audience did last year.
3, 2, 1. Let go. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. All this on me, so yummy. All this oh so yummy. You know you want this yummy,
yummy all in your tummy. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. All this on me so yummy. All this oh so yummy. You know you want this yummy,
yummy all in your tummy. All this oh so level,
on another level. Elevate your level. Le- le- le- le- level. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. Level up. All this on me so yummy. All this oh so yummy. You know you want this yummy,
yummy all in your tummy.
Oh. [APPLAUSE] Yes..
